So, I stopped in to Basha's tonight to grab two quick things. Not two slow things, mind you, but two quick things, LOL. Anyway, there were two lines open, and both slammed. I got in the shorter one, and ahead of me was a Mexican-American family, with their little boy running around the display of wind chimes, gently ringing them. It wasn't disruptive, or annoying as some kids are in that same circumstance, and it made me smile—he was just enjoying the sound of the chimes. Then I saw that the woman ahead of me had been waved through by the boy's mother, because she had one thing.
I thought that was nice, but when the woman saw what I had, and waved me ahead of them with a smile, I felt it too generous.
"Are you sure?" I said.
"Si", she said, indicating their groceries with a wave of her hand. "Mucho." It occurred to me that instead of saying "Tengo mucho," as she might to another Spanish-speaker, she was actually dumbing down her language so I'd understand. Finally I relented, and thanked her - slipping ahead of her.
"Muchos gracias, Senora," I said.
"De nada," she said with a smile. Then she spied a guava or some damn fruit I didn't recognize and held it up to her husband, saying something rapid fire I didn't catch, but I got "Porque No." as she handed it back to him, and like every husband ever being scolded for picking out bad produce, he went to exchange it.
She smiled at me again. I checked out, thanked her again, and went on my way. I called them Mexican-American because even if they are Mexican, and illegal, I would be happy to have people like that as my neighbors, and as American citizens. In fact, I'd be happy to trade a few of the white, lazy, rude, no-account assholes that I seem to run into every day for a family like that. It gave me great hope for America, even as hard as things are right now, and I hope it gave them hope as well that I was nice to them.
This country is about freedom, and diversity, and it always has been. We have two sides at the moment, thinking they are both right, and both about freedom. If you take someone else s' freedom away, then you are in the wrong. Your freedom is not more important than anyone else's. Your beliefs are not more important either. Get over it. Shake your neighbor's hand and ask them to have a beer with you. You might be surprised at what you learn.

I've been ignoring this blog, and I apologize for that. I have been hard at work on my 4th novel, a work of literary fiction, about love, and death, and family, plus trying to get my new WWII Thriller, 'Eagle's Claw' to market. I hope to have it out within the next two weeks, but I feel that getting 'Maria' to my beta readers is more important at this point. It may be the best thing I've ever written.

It's also important that I get this book out of my system. It has brought up a number of very difficult memories for me, and has brought back feelings that are hard for me to face, such as the fact that I am turning 56 very soon, and have no woman, nor family in my life. Still, after all these years.

Now, you can read all those trite memes on Facebook about loving yourself, but love is meant to be given away. I fell in love with a wonderful woman a couple years ago, and I still love her, but unfortunately for me, that love is unrequited. I cannot blame her—I simply have a real talent for screwing things like this up. Yet, she's given me something that's important... awoken something in me I'd repressed. Love.

I dreamt of my grandmother last night. It was night in the dream, and I could see her through the picture windows at the front of the house, standing in a snowstorm, wearing the long housecoat she often wore, waiting for my grandfather to get home. I was shocked. How could she stand out there in the cold? She'd freeze to death. I opened the front door and told her so, and she came in, saying' "It's all right. He's home now."

Of course, she would never stand out there like that, but theirs was the kind of love I've always wanted—which explains, I guess, why I'm not married. I've been engaged a couple times, nearly a third, but it didn't work out. All I've ever really wanted was a family in this life, but sadly, it's not to be. I've accepted that now, but it hurts every time I see a happy family, or happy couple. Simple envy, I guess. They don't even know what they really have.

Those of you who have spouses, and children, I'm sure, think about what a PITA it is to be woken by a 5-year-old puking at 5 a.m., not really understanding what a simple blessing it is. To have someone in your life that you love, and trust, to have them love you the same way... you can say 'We're family' to friends all you want, but the truth of the matter greets me every morning when I wake up and no one is there. To simply have someone in your life is the greatest blessing of all.

So, understand that true love is rare in this life—in my case, the love of a woman who is an equal, and whom I desire more than physically, but mentally. Someone I can have deep, philosophical discussions with, even when we don't agree. A woman who would stand in the snow (figuratively of course,) waiting for me because I wasn't home yet. Someone to worry about me.

It's the little things in life. Just getting a text from someone who loves you can be enough. Don't forget this—love is all that really matters in this life. Grab every chance at it. Tell someone you love them, even if they don't love you the same way. Unrequited love is the way of the world, unfortunately, but sometimes out of that love can come something else. In my case, it was a mixed blessing, because in feeling things I hadn't felt in years, I was able to write about them again, so I have to thank her, as my muse, even if I know she will never be mine. This is a gift I cannot repay.

Will I ever find a woman who loves me the way I love her? Well, the odds are not in my favor. Besides my age, I have a as yet unresolved medical issue. It wouldn't be fair to any woman to saddle her with that. It's much easier to be alone, to not put your heart out there, to NOT love... why take that dangerous step? Why risk everything? Because love is the only thing that's worth anything in this life.

I love writing because it's my chance to remind people of that, and because, for a few, short moments, I'm that character, who has a wife he loves, who has a family waiting for him at home. It's been hard writing these last two books, because I know I will never have what my characters have—never be blessed that way, but just being able to remember a woman's arms around my neck or the soft kiss of a child on my cheek, has been worth it. Love is everything. Embrace it. Don't let go of it. It's the only thing which matters.